Ugh! There is nothing I am worse at than saying, "I'm sorry." I can say it to God and mean it down to the depth of my heart and soul, but saying it to other people? Not so easy.
I'm good at excuses: "Well I didn't realize...." "Well you can't hold that against me because....." "I just wasn't feeling great that day....."
I'm good at reversing the situation: "Well if you hadn't......" "Well you made me....."
I'm really bad about this one: "I'm sorry if you felt........"
But I SUCK at taking responsibility for my own actions and the fact that I did something wrong or perceived as wrong by another person.
A recent acquaintance and I had a series of misunderstandings which were not brought up until they were ready to cut off the acquaintance-ship entirely. They'd done things wrong, I'd done things wrong, and when I received their email I could have gone in a number of directions:
I could have written a cranky, grumpy, stomp-my-feet email back.
I could have gotten over-dramatic and gone over to this person's house to start something.
I could have let everyone and their mama know about what transpired and try to get a their-side and my-side fight going.
I could have just ignored it entirely and written this person off.
But by some miracle or great act of God, I didn't do any of the above. I was itching to, but I didn't. I know I must have re-written my initial reply email about a dozen times before realizing that I was not heading in the right direction. Whatever I said to this person was going to remain etched in the way we both walked away from this situation. And I had to seriously seek God. I think my talk with God went something like this:
"God! I am so mad I wanna throw a hissy fit right now! How dare this person say these things! How dare this person say I made them feel this way when I've done nothing but try to be good and sweet and helpful and a sounding board. AHHHH!"
(Long pause)
"So what am I supposed to write back? What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to handle this? If I act like a total heifer, then what kind of Christ-follower and ministry leader does that make me? If I just lie down and take it, that totally defeats my strong-willed and problem-solving nature. Help please!"
(Long pause)
(Heavy sigh)
"When pride comes, disgrace follows, but with the humble is wisdom."
"Yeah, but I have a pride issue. I don't say I'm sorry. And I don't think it matters what I say because I have heard how this other person talks about people. Even if I beg for forgiveness, my name is now mud."
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom."
"Ugh! I really don't want to hear that. Give me what I want to hear."
(Long pause)
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom."
"So this is what happens when I study the Bible more, huh? I do not like seeing myself as wrong. This sucks!"
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom."
(Sigh)
"Alright. I get the point."
And then I re-wrote my email: "I am sorry to hear you feel this way. There is certainly more than one misunderstanding involved in your email, but after praying myself this is all I will say to you: I apologize if I have somehow offended you; I assure you it was not my intention to do so. I will continue praying for you and wish you all the best."
And after hitting the send button I haven't heard from this person since. I continue to pray for them and hope that at some point they will accept the apology. Interestingly enough though, after apologizing and doing it sincerely without long-winded explanations or establishing a solid defense or keeping a grudge or ugliness in my heart about it, I feel so much better. Did I do things wrong that needed to be apologized for? Most definitely. Would I love for there to be some level of forgiveness there? Certainly. Am I going to cling to it and remain upset and hold it against that person if they don't forgive me? No.
The Bible says "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." And it defies every human impulse I have to forgive and let go and then give an apology, but the human impulses would have made me miserable in the longrun.
I am totally imperfect. I will never get it all right. And I'd better start practicing apologizing a lot more because I will hurt and anger a lot more people over the course of my life, I'm sure. But in the words of one of my favorite songs "My brokenness helps me to see it's grace I'm standing on." In learning to apologize and ask for forgiveness from others, I'm beginning to more fully appreciate the huge amount of grace that God extends to us. With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I have never been so thankful for the gift of forgiveness and the sacrifice behind it.
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